Hello friends. It’s been a minute. Figured I could diversify my posts and talk about happy shit. Good things happen to me too.

When I last surfed these binary waters, I was navigating through another heartbreak and it really broke me. I had met someone who was synonymous to my thoughts and movement. I thought we were fluid and essentially unbreakable but it was summer love encapsulated in a half-open bottle. As difficult as it was to pull every strand of hair off my bedsheets, I did it, at my own pace and rebuilt my ego from the ground up.

If you read any of my past blog posts, you know I’m a salty bitch and unapologetic when I send past loves ‘ill-wishes’. Wyatt can still go fuck himself and sit his bare ass on a scorching block of sand, in the middle of the Sahara desert with red ants crawling up his butt hole. YUP. Still %100 “that bitch”.

Listen, I’ve emotionally grown throughout the years but I’m not a saint. The human in me is alive and welll. I’m going to fuel that vengeful fire until it fucking burns. Will I ever forgive? Maybe, one day when the bullshit doesn’t penetrate me anymore because my calluses matured and fully harden. Of course I don’t always want to be salty. I want to forgive, forget and flow. Maybe I’ll become a 100% “wise-ass bitch”; an evolved “that bitch” that occasionally let’s people cut her in line , at Trader Joe’s, with exactly five items in hand. Oh, and BTS has to be blasting in the background. Until then, I’ll pass from ‘thinking like a monk’.

Despite the sadistic pain of recalling the break-up, I’m grateful and thankful for the experience (I’m a quarter of the way to wise-ass bitch status, for those who are tracking). For the first time, I finally felt the need to emotionally claim my independence and ask myself difficult questions like, do I need people around me to validate my thoughts, feelings, decisions, wealth, beauty and intelligence? No. No I don’t and better yet, why have I felt the need to? Most people have good intentions when they offer advice but the reality is: opinions are nice but they’re not facts. If I’m constantly seeking outside guidance, without feeding my intuition, I won’t live an authentic life. Also, how does one offer advice without referring to their personal experiences? How do I know if their counsel is good for me, or good for them. Even my therapist has had the tendency to project her insecurities during our sessions.

So for a good month or two, I cut everyone off but not like I usually do, in my typical, super-depressed fashion, where I wallow in the emotional tar of “I hate myself”. This time, I practiced giving myself advice, in my own voice, with my own ego.

I envisioned my ego as a mother, sister, friend, lover, co-worker- each with their own distinct voices. I created a social circle in my mind and everyone had an assigned dialogue, saying things that I wanted and needed to hear. <—-This is the fucking plot to “Inside Out” right? Bite me, I saw bits and pieces of the movie…

When I finally came out of my post-break-up-cocoon, I started socializing all over again. I got a new job, made new friends and got back into dating. These past few months have been pretty awesome, despite the usual ups and downs. Everything in my life right now revolves around having fun. I just want to laugh and feel good. Nothing more, nothing less.

However…it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t set any life goals right? Lol but I don’t think they’re over-achieving. They’re simple, attainable but still require work. I’ve been focused on finding an apartment, so I can live on my own, sans roommate. I’ve been ready but somehow thought I had to wait for the right person–which wasn’t true and based out of fear, thinking I wouldn’t survive on my own. The truth is, after spending so much time alone these past three years, I really value my independence and autonomy. Would it be nice to get married, have kids and start a family? Yea but I don’t need to, right now. I don’t need to be in a relationship to own and feel comfortable in an apartment. I’m pretty confident, self-aware and I thrive being alone. I’m the anti-social queen of my kingdom.

I’ve been exploring the idea of bearing and raising a child by myself, either through adoption or a sperm bank. I don’t want the pressure of finding the right guy, within a time frame just to have a baby out of anxiety than love. I believe I can create the perfect and ideal experience for my child while waiting for prince charming aka: someone who can kill mice and shovel snow.

Who can blame me for trying to build a legacy of awesomeness? The idea of a little-me, even an adopted version, is pretty friggin’ exciting. Can you imagine a BABY wise-ass bitch?…TOO CUTE.

1 Comment

  1. Hi!!! Hope you’re doing well.

    Very nice piece, enjoyed it a lot! Wishing you the best always.

    How are you doing? How’s love life going?
    Im doing alright, dating again on and off, nothing serious for now.

    Looking forward to more of your writing, don’t stop!

    With love, S

    Like

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