What up folks, it’s been a minute.

As you probably already know, I got shits to talk about and I update as per need, usually when thoughts prove too long in my brain, with no where to escape. Itching to brain fart, here I am.

A/N: I really hoped you enjoyed that bread-making metaphor as much as I did. If you didn’t SUCK DEEZ NUTZ. I’m kiddin’ (maybe not?). I recently taken up bread- making and it’s a new obsession. I figured if this damn virus is going to trap me inside, I’m going to live my best life as a homie- D baking-G . I’ll let you know when I hit cabin-fever cray. Already planning to replicate challenges from The Great British Baking Show (also a new obsession), with no other challengers. Wish me luck.

EEH8-KxU4AMRYR4

Speaking of cray, I figured I’d use the down time to self-explore and deep dive into the emotions I’ve been internally stewing for the past year.

Fam this past year has been ROUGH. You guys know the deal but I’m in the midst of overcoming one major adversity which is no longer being in denial and accepting my ex partner emotionally abused me with narcissistic/sociopathic tactics for 6 years. For the sake of my mental health, I’m not going to demonize and list why he’s a narcissist or sociopath. As much as my inner “100% that bitch” would love to expose the terrible person he is, I’m trying to remain a good person y’all. From time to time “the human in me” will wish him harm but I’ve managed to pass on my hostility onto karmas hands, which I hope has the Coronavirus… Kidding!… Maybe not.

Instead I’d like to take the time to express how I’ve felt, how I am recuperating and how I plan on moving on. I think it’s important to hold myself accountable to certain affirmations: I deserve love, I’m angry (and that’s okay), I’m perfect as I am, there’ nothing wrong with me and I will find someone deserving of my love and presence. It’s important for me to say it out loud and make it digitally profound. After years of being, “gaslighted”, a term used to describe how a narcissist denies your reality, I lost a big chunk of who I was. A lot of my hopes and dreams were filtered through his eyes and in the end, as I think about it, they weren’t really my dreams but a supplement for his.

The most painful, painful, painful thing about being woke, is realizing I was in love with a shell. For a long time I thought “I’ll show him how to love”,  “I’ll change him”, “I’ll make him better”, realizing now that every moment I showed him unconditional love just fed his ego, nothing was reciprocated, it was just narcissistic supply. There were times were I was completely discarded but when he rebounded with brunt affection, I felt bliss. It was addicting, so when things were bad, I stood around waiting for the brunt affection to return and when it did, I felt so validated. It’s hurtful now to relive moments and remember how he emotionally beat me down and was the only one who lifted me up. It’s hurtful to know I saw him as a soulmate and he saw me as a tool.

Since I started taking anti-depressants, I have a hard time crying. I either feel sad for a second and then start working on something or feel this intense, intense rage and feel incredibly hostile. I’ve provoked fights with random people and ended up catching myself before letting it go farther. I’m not proud of this. “The human in me” wants revenge and inflict the same amount of damage I’ve received; I want payback. No change, just pounding, explosive, chiseled knuckles instead.

In case you were wondering, yes I’m in therapy, gladly so. I’m also meditating which has been super helpful when I’m anxious and hostile. Seeing and feeling my emotions in “waves”, letting them and come and go like bodega cats. I’m feeding my emotions because I still have a lot of remorse and that’s okay. When rats try to make a reappearance in my life, I’ll know I’ll be taken care of.

 

21 Comments

  1. The narcissistic in my life found out I was emailing you and I had to delete my “burner” email address.
    I am exploring the topic of narcissism because of him and everything I find makes me believe I have to run fast!
    I don’t have a “safe” email to receive messages from you, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU.
    I enjoy your blog so much. I wish you wrote more often.
    I hope you’re doing much better now.

    Like

    1. So glad to hear back from you! I responded to your email but then received and error message soon after. I got worried but glad you’re okay. I hope you’re no longer with this person! Someone who invades your privacy is not only someone who is controlling but also extremely insecure. Stay away from this person at all costs! If there’s one thing I learned from my experience is that narcissists are leeches; they physically and emotionally drain you until their love and admiration tank is full. If you have no more energy to provide, they quickly find someone else (the “hoover”) until they’re done with that person then come back to you when the hoover is drained. Thanks for reading! I appreciate it so much. I started this blog as a way to “air” out my thoughts. I’m so happy it’s helped and you found it relatable. I wish I wrote more often too 😦 . Believe it or not, the narcissist in my life tried to make multiple appearances in my life in the last couple of months and it was physically and emotionally deteriorating. My mental health plummeted. I’ll touch on this in a future post but I’m doing much better and plan on posting soon!

      Like

  2. Ugh. Thank you for replying so fast!!! I can’t believe these people come and go as they please… did you guys break up long time ago? When he reappears what does he say?
    This guy SHOWERED me with attention, dinners, compliments when he met me. I thought I met the man of my life! He said his last relationship was “abusive”. I believed him.
    Slowly but surely he started to withdraw attention. I would be waiting for a text, or a phone call, and they will come less and less often.
    We would still meet and see each other a lot, and when we were together it was heaven, although deep down in me I could sense a vibe of “emotional disconnection”, but I was hopeful.
    We only dated briefly. I found out he was talking to other people the entire time. Haven’t heard from him since. He apologized multiple times, but never once said he wanted to be with me. I’m so hurt and confused.
    Thank you for replying!!! I am so happy I found this venting space.

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    1. Guuuuuuuurl…you are so lucky. Yes, ultimately when the confetti dissipates and you figure out he’s a POS (piece of shit), its extremely hurtful but count your blessings mi hija. You escaped and you don’t owe anything to this man. I almost married and bought an apartment with my POS! Holy jeebus I would be in so much trouble if I did.

      The love bombing phase is soooooo dangerous. You think the attention is undivided , genuine and full of love but they’re always talking to other people. Gotta keep that love tank full at all costs. I’m curious how he got access to your burner email, not that you guys are no longer seeing each other.

      I broke up with my POS almost 2 years ago and as you can see it’s been a never ending saga because he’s been coming and going; making reappearances in my life, pissing and sharting all over my parade and then disappearing for months on end. Cue, emotional distress lol.

      Like

  3. (I’m stuck to this page for now lol)

    He found it before we “broke up”, if we can even call it that way. Whatever. It hurts so bad, because I always ignored my gut feeling when I was with him, but he made me believe he was only with me and that he was spending all of his time just with me. Now that I think about it he was probably seeing multiple people and he had me as his “main” supply because he knew I was committed to him. He’s so empty the poor thing.

    Oh my God, so you guys broke up almost 2 years ago and he STILL looking for you!!!!!!???? How!!!!!??? Block him!!! That must be so hard. I am here waiting for him to show face, although I shouldn’t be, for my own mental health.

    This guy talked to me about marriage, a family, a house, kids within the first 2 weeks. I was kind of confused, but at the same time some guys “are ready”, or whatever… bullshit.

    I honestly never thought that I would be going through this at my age (39). Only time I remember being this confused, hurt and heartbroken was with my first relationship when I was in college. I can’t believe how in such a short time I let myself feel all of these emotions. He faked it reaaaaaaally good.

    Thank you!!!!!

    Like

    1. Because they’re so good at sucking you in, it hurts so much when they’re gone. I didn’t think I was susceptible either! I always though I was a pretty good judge of character but because he was so charming after a tantrum, I made excuses for him. My family and my sister didn’t like him for years! They always warned me about his red flags but I thought “I knew” him. It wasn’t until I started seeing a new therapist earlier this year and I explained to her the behavior; the coming, the going, the “I want to be with you, the I made a mistake”and the “sorry I misled you, we should go our separate ways. I was so hurt and confused and my therapist was like um… sounds like he’s either a narcissist or a sociopath and he’s taking pleasure in emotionally abusing you. It was a like a light bulb went off. Like the past five years; the ups the downs, just made so much sense.

      Yea I blocked him from everything but then he started calling me from a private number…wreaking havoc. Eventually I blocked that too and I had to get my friends involved. So far he’s been dormant but I’ve documented everything and am ready to file a restraining order if needed.

      Like

  4. I hope I’m not tormenting you with all my shit, I’m sure you’ve had enough. I just feel like I have discovered a fucking monster. I CANNOT believe the extent of the lies, and now that I think about it and analyze the situation, I might have been the “Hoover” girl or something. It was so confusing when all of a sudden I started feeling like I wasn’t enough! I was trying so hard to be extra beautiful, extra smart, extra productive like I had to prove to him that I was worth it!!! And this is just couple of months!!! I might have been impressed by his love bombing and how he told me I was so sexy, etc.

    But anyway, I feel like this is therapy to me. You have given me so much knowledge and I am SO THANKFUL that you are doing this. This has opened my eyes and made me realize this was a blessing in disguise and I shouldn’t miss him.

    Hopefully your POS won’t show up again. I’m about to organize a female full force anti abuse militia, haha so count me in if he shows up.

    I will write to you from my email (if you don’t mind) once I’m sure that this guy is not around anymore and going into my stuff, because as of recently he gave me a gift “to apologize”, however never asked for me to be back with him. Very confusing…

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    1. No not at all! Everything you described in your first paragraph was literally me for five years… Like I said gurl you’re lucky. People get married and have kids with POS’s and they’re stuck with them forever. Please feel free to email me whenever you feel safe! The rona’ (COVID) unfortunately has left lots of people in similar situations, isolated in their trauma, neglect and abuse. It’s important to form and connect through healing bonds, even virtually. For awhile I tried to look for a virtual group therapy for narcissistic survivors but didn’t get far 😦 . Glad you got a bit of insight! Hope you stay in touch!

      Like

  5. Would you meet with me? Or call me or meet wiring me and my friends?? I promise I’m not a a psycho. After all this shit everything feels like that. Would you be open to that???

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  6. Hi Danessa!

    I’m sorry I’ve been MIA, but I’ve been trying to figure things out. I feel like this “relationship” is consuming my life. I always try to find someone to talk to but my friends just judge me and tell me I shouldn’t be complaining if I’m going back to him anyway. I find refuge in this page.
    Did he ever cheat on you? Did you find out about him cheating? I’m dealing with this now, on top of everything else.
    Did he propose to you and asked you to get married and live together, but never showed real action in doing so? I am so frustrated…
    I don’t know if you even come here anymore, but I wanted to give it a try. I hope you’re well and healthy and happy; and that this person finally understood and hasn’t contacted you anymore.

    Thank you so much,

    S

    Like

    1. Hey S, I’m glad you’re okay. I see you went back to this person who is causing you strife. May I ask why you decided to go back?
      And the reason why I phrase it in you “going back” rather than you “taking him back” is because he ultimately holds the cards. Every time he apologizes and says something sweet, he lassos you back into his cage, along with other people to continue feeding his ego.

      I don’t think my ex cheated on me but then again I don’t know. It’s possible because he lied alot but it’s not something that came up. He did propose a month into our relationship. I remember telling him we needed more time. Then as the years would go by, we always talked about getting married and having kids but he didn’t want to propose until we bought a house first, which I honestly thought was really weird. Come to think of it, I’m sure he just wanted the house under his name and not have to deal with joint ownership if we were married.

      I understand that you may not be in the best circumstances but I really hope we could talk directly one day. I know how hard it is to leave. I’ve been there and was once in your shoes. My friends and family were sick of me complaining.I had no one to talk to and it took a HUGE toll on my mental health. If you’re not seeing a therapist, I highly recommend you seeing one because they’re not bias and can see the situation at hand without any attachment. Therapy helped me SO much and I think I would be dead without it.

      He finally stopped contacting me and it’s been a huge relief. I FINALLY started healing. Don’t get me wrong, I still get sad and upset when I reflect but it’s no longer debilitating. I can be sad and still move on with my day which was something I could not do when he was harassing me and picking my wounds.

      Open to chat to discuss and compare notes but if you’re not ready. I sincerely wish you the best and hope everything works out.

      Like

  7. First of all; THANK YOU. Thank you for always replying and for being awesome even if we don’t know each other. You have been of great support.
    Second, I want you to know that I admire your strength and determination. Even if we ever meet -or don’t-, I want you to know that you are inspiring and that you’re sweet and caring, and it shows.

    Now to go back to topic; I went back because he knows what to say and how to act when he wants to. Like I said, I am confused by him in general. I wish I could have a time machine and go back in time and learn how he has behaved with other ex-partners because it causes me so much anxiety to just “trust” what he says or does. I feel like he jumps into serious relationships way too fast, and I’m not sure if his feelings are real or fake. I don’t know if he even knows if his feelings are real or fake.
    Even at my age (39) he can confuse me, I’m not a child and I’ve been in relationships… That’s why I feel touched and in a way identified by your story, I always wish I could know more because it gives me insight into mine. I know everyone is different and I’m pretty sure these 2 men are very different, but in general terms there’s commonality.

    I have considered therapy, but never had the courage to go through, as it makes me feel weird somehow… and I don’t have insurance to pay for it and I’ve noticed it is expensive.

    It sounds like maybe you were happy sometimes, so how do you recognize when they are abusive or “self-interested”? It is hard, because it seems genuine, and they appear caring. How do you know???

    I feel shitty. Self-conscious. Insecure. Not enough. Maybe that’s why I keep going back? Maybe that’s why I’m not ready to talk about it?

    Anyhow, THANK YOU. Just writing these makes me feel better.

    Much love ❤

    Like

    1. Thank you so much for saying that. I joke that I’m a cold hearted bitch but in reality I really do care about people, sometimes too much to a fault but my actions are always genuine. And I understand. As I mentioned, I know exactly what it’s like to recognize when your partner doesn’t make you happy and deciding to stay because you know that leaving him will make you feel worst. It’s absolutely terrible. You don’t feel like you have any control of your self or your life. Everything revolves around this relationship surviving, even when you acknowledge it makes you absolutely miserable. I think we’re all susceptible to falling in love with a narcissist or someone with similar traits, no matter the age.

      It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. It doesn’t matter how he treated other people, compared to you and let’s say you did know, is he going to treat you better? Probably not. Please listen to the way you are feeling right now. Don’t trap yourself in the bubble of trying to figure him out. In the end, it will not change the outcome.

      It’s hard to exactly know, when you are in the thick of it whether something he says is a disagreement or emotional abusive. Which is why I recommend a therapist. I didn’t know and when I would repeat the things he said to my therapist, because she wasn’t biased, she easily defined for me when he was being emotionally abusive and I wasn’t confused anymore. The important thing is to not be alone. Find people you can talk and relate to. If it’s just you and him, you will be trapped in his cage and no one can save you.

      It took me a very very long time to leave my ex. It was very difficult post break up but I am very happy now. It’s easier to say it from the other side but honestly leaving him saved my life. I hope in your journey, you can find it within yourself to do the same

      Like

  8. Danessa, thank you again for your response and your kind, wise words. I appreciate you caring for other and taking the time to do this for a stranger.
    I would definitely look into therapy again, and try to establish a better connection with myself.
    Some days are just so good and great that I completely forget about the horrible ones.
    Im very happy that you got over him, and you give me hope. You are so much stronger now that before.
    Thank you so much.

    Like

  9. Hi! Just wanted to check on you… hope everything is well and finally got over this evil person.

    I am going through it. Sipping it. Slowly but surely. Trying to understand so many things that confuse me and scare me…

    I don’t want to be someone’s ego booster. I’m done. Thank you so much, always.

    Like

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