What up folks, it’s been a minute.

As you probably already know, I got shits to talk about and I update as per need, usually when thoughts prove too long in my brain, with no where to escape. Itching to brain fart, here I am.

A/N: I really hoped you enjoyed that bread-making metaphor as much as I did. If you didn’t SUCK DEEZ NUTZ. I’m kiddin’ (maybe not?). I recently taken up bread- making and it’s a new obsession. I figured if this damn virus is going to trap me inside, I’m going to live my best life as a homie- D baking-G . I’ll let you know when I hit cabin-fever cray. Already planning to replicate challenges from The Great British Baking Show (also a new obsession), with no other challengers. Wish me luck.

EEH8-KxU4AMRYR4

Speaking of cray, I figured I’d use the down time to self-explore and deep dive into the emotions I’ve been internally stewing for the past year.

Fam this past year has been ROUGH. You guys know the deal but I’m in the midst of overcoming one major adversity which is no longer being in denial and accepting my ex partner emotionally abused me with narcissistic/sociopathic tactics for 6 years. For the sake of my mental health, I’m not going to demonize and list why he’s a narcissist or sociopath. As much as my inner “100% that bitch” would love to expose the terrible person he is, I’m trying to remain a good person y’all. From time to time “the human in me” will wish him harm but I’ve managed to pass on my hostility onto karmas hands, which I hope has the Coronavirus… Kidding!… Maybe not.

Instead I’d like to take the time to express how I’ve felt, how I am recuperating and how I plan on moving on. I think it’s important to hold myself accountable to certain affirmations: I deserve love, I’m angry (and that’s okay), I’m perfect as I am, there’ nothing wrong with me and I will find someone deserving of my love and presence. It’s important for me to say it out loud and make it digitally profound. After years of being, “gaslighted”, a term used to describe how a narcissist denies your reality, I lost a big chunk of who I was. A lot of my hopes and dreams were filtered through his eyes and in the end, as I think about it, they weren’t really my dreams but a supplement for his.

The most painful, painful, painful thing about being woke, is realizing I was in love with a shell. For a long time I thought “I’ll show him how to love”,  “I’ll change him”, “I’ll make him better”, realizing now that every moment I showed him unconditional love just fed his ego, nothing was reciprocated, it was just narcissistic supply. There were times were I was completely discarded but when he rebounded with brunt affection, I felt bliss. It was addicting, so when things were bad, I stood around waiting for the brunt affection to return and when it did, I felt so validated. It’s hurtful now to relive moments and remember how he emotionally beat me down and was the only one who lifted me up. It’s hurtful to know I saw him as a soulmate and he saw me as a tool.

Since I started taking anti-depressants, I have a hard time crying. I either feel sad for a second and then start working on something or feel this intense, intense rage and feel incredibly hostile. I’ve provoked fights with random people and ended up catching myself before letting it go farther. I’m not proud of this. “The human in me” wants revenge and inflict the same amount of damage I’ve received; I want payback. No change, just pounding, explosive, chiseled knuckles instead.

In case you were wondering, yes I’m in therapy, gladly so. I’m also meditating which has been super helpful when I’m anxious and hostile. Seeing and feeling my emotions in “waves”, letting them and come and go like bodega cats. I’m feeding my emotions because I still have a lot of remorse and that’s okay. When rats try to make a reappearance in my life, I’ll know I’ll be taken care of.

 

14 Comments

  1. The narcissistic in my life found out I was emailing you and I had to delete my “burner” email address.
    I am exploring the topic of narcissism because of him and everything I find makes me believe I have to run fast!
    I don’t have a “safe” email to receive messages from you, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU.
    I enjoy your blog so much. I wish you wrote more often.
    I hope you’re doing much better now.

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    1. So glad to hear back from you! I responded to your email but then received and error message soon after. I got worried but glad you’re okay. I hope you’re no longer with this person! Someone who invades your privacy is not only someone who is controlling but also extremely insecure. Stay away from this person at all costs! If there’s one thing I learned from my experience is that narcissists are leeches; they physically and emotionally drain you until their love and admiration tank is full. If you have no more energy to provide, they quickly find someone else (the “hoover”) until they’re done with that person then come back to you when the hoover is drained. Thanks for reading! I appreciate it so much. I started this blog as a way to “air” out my thoughts. I’m so happy it’s helped and you found it relatable. I wish I wrote more often too 😦 . Believe it or not, the narcissist in my life tried to make multiple appearances in my life in the last couple of months and it was physically and emotionally deteriorating. My mental health plummeted. I’ll touch on this in a future post but I’m doing much better and plan on posting soon!

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  2. Ugh. Thank you for replying so fast!!! I can’t believe these people come and go as they please… did you guys break up long time ago? When he reappears what does he say?
    This guy SHOWERED me with attention, dinners, compliments when he met me. I thought I met the man of my life! He said his last relationship was “abusive”. I believed him.
    Slowly but surely he started to withdraw attention. I would be waiting for a text, or a phone call, and they will come less and less often.
    We would still meet and see each other a lot, and when we were together it was heaven, although deep down in me I could sense a vibe of “emotional disconnection”, but I was hopeful.
    We only dated briefly. I found out he was talking to other people the entire time. Haven’t heard from him since. He apologized multiple times, but never once said he wanted to be with me. I’m so hurt and confused.
    Thank you for replying!!! I am so happy I found this venting space.

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    1. Guuuuuuuurl…you are so lucky. Yes, ultimately when the confetti dissipates and you figure out he’s a POS (piece of shit), its extremely hurtful but count your blessings mi hija. You escaped and you don’t owe anything to this man. I almost married and bought an apartment with my POS! Holy jeebus I would be in so much trouble if I did.

      The love bombing phase is soooooo dangerous. You think the attention is undivided , genuine and full of love but they’re always talking to other people. Gotta keep that love tank full at all costs. I’m curious how he got access to your burner email, not that you guys are no longer seeing each other.

      I broke up with my POS almost 2 years ago and as you can see it’s been a never ending saga because he’s been coming and going; making reappearances in my life, pissing and sharting all over my parade and then disappearing for months on end. Cue, emotional distress lol.

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  3. (I’m stuck to this page for now lol)

    He found it before we “broke up”, if we can even call it that way. Whatever. It hurts so bad, because I always ignored my gut feeling when I was with him, but he made me believe he was only with me and that he was spending all of his time just with me. Now that I think about it he was probably seeing multiple people and he had me as his “main” supply because he knew I was committed to him. He’s so empty the poor thing.

    Oh my God, so you guys broke up almost 2 years ago and he STILL looking for you!!!!!!???? How!!!!!??? Block him!!! That must be so hard. I am here waiting for him to show face, although I shouldn’t be, for my own mental health.

    This guy talked to me about marriage, a family, a house, kids within the first 2 weeks. I was kind of confused, but at the same time some guys “are ready”, or whatever… bullshit.

    I honestly never thought that I would be going through this at my age (39). Only time I remember being this confused, hurt and heartbroken was with my first relationship when I was in college. I can’t believe how in such a short time I let myself feel all of these emotions. He faked it reaaaaaaally good.

    Thank you!!!!!

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    1. Because they’re so good at sucking you in, it hurts so much when they’re gone. I didn’t think I was susceptible either! I always though I was a pretty good judge of character but because he was so charming after a tantrum, I made excuses for him. My family and my sister didn’t like him for years! They always warned me about his red flags but I thought “I knew” him. It wasn’t until I started seeing a new therapist earlier this year and I explained to her the behavior; the coming, the going, the “I want to be with you, the I made a mistake”and the “sorry I misled you, we should go our separate ways. I was so hurt and confused and my therapist was like um… sounds like he’s either a narcissist or a sociopath and he’s taking pleasure in emotionally abusing you. It was a like a light bulb went off. Like the past five years; the ups the downs, just made so much sense.

      Yea I blocked him from everything but then he started calling me from a private number…wreaking havoc. Eventually I blocked that too and I had to get my friends involved. So far he’s been dormant but I’ve documented everything and am ready to file a restraining order if needed.

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  4. I hope I’m not tormenting you with all my shit, I’m sure you’ve had enough. I just feel like I have discovered a fucking monster. I CANNOT believe the extent of the lies, and now that I think about it and analyze the situation, I might have been the “Hoover” girl or something. It was so confusing when all of a sudden I started feeling like I wasn’t enough! I was trying so hard to be extra beautiful, extra smart, extra productive like I had to prove to him that I was worth it!!! And this is just couple of months!!! I might have been impressed by his love bombing and how he told me I was so sexy, etc.

    But anyway, I feel like this is therapy to me. You have given me so much knowledge and I am SO THANKFUL that you are doing this. This has opened my eyes and made me realize this was a blessing in disguise and I shouldn’t miss him.

    Hopefully your POS won’t show up again. I’m about to organize a female full force anti abuse militia, haha so count me in if he shows up.

    I will write to you from my email (if you don’t mind) once I’m sure that this guy is not around anymore and going into my stuff, because as of recently he gave me a gift “to apologize”, however never asked for me to be back with him. Very confusing…

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    1. No not at all! Everything you described in your first paragraph was literally me for five years… Like I said gurl you’re lucky. People get married and have kids with POS’s and they’re stuck with them forever. Please feel free to email me whenever you feel safe! The rona’ (COVID) unfortunately has left lots of people in similar situations, isolated in their trauma, neglect and abuse. It’s important to form and connect through healing bonds, even virtually. For awhile I tried to look for a virtual group therapy for narcissistic survivors but didn’t get far 😦 . Glad you got a bit of insight! Hope you stay in touch!

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  5. Would you meet with me? Or call me or meet wiring me and my friends?? I promise I’m not a a psycho. After all this shit everything feels like that. Would you be open to that???

    Like

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