What up folks, it’s been a minute.

As you probably already know, I got shits to talk about and I update as per need, usually when thoughts prove too long in my brain, with no where to escape. Itching to brain fart, here I am.

A/N: I really hoped you enjoyed that bread-making metaphor as much as I did. If you didn’t SUCK DEEZ NUTZ. I’m kiddin’ (maybe not?). I recently taken up bread- making and it’s a new obsession. I figured if this damn virus is going to trap me inside, I’m going to live my best life as a homie- D baking-G . I’ll let you know when I hit cabin-fever cray. Already planning to replicate challenges from The Great British Baking Show (also a new obsession), with no other challengers. Wish me luck.

EEH8-KxU4AMRYR4

Speaking of cray, I figured I’d use the down time to self-explore and deep dive into the emotions I’ve been internally stewing for the past year.

Fam this past year has been ROUGH. You guys know the deal but I’m in the midst of overcoming one major adversity which is no longer being in denial and accepting my ex partner emotionally abused me with narcissistic/sociopathic tactics for 6 years. For the sake of my mental health, I’m not going to demonize and list why he’s a narcissist or sociopath. As much as my inner “100% that bitch” would love to expose the terrible person he is, I’m trying to remain a good person y’all. From time to time “the human in me” will wish him harm but I’ve managed to pass on my hostility onto karmas hands, which I hope has the Coronavirus… Kidding!… Maybe not.

Instead I’d like to take the time to express how I’ve felt, how I am recuperating and how I plan on moving on. I think it’s important to hold myself accountable to certain affirmations: I deserve love, I’m angry (and that’s okay), I’m perfect as I am, there’ nothing wrong with me and I will find someone deserving of my love and presence. It’s important for me to say it out loud and make it digitally profound. After years of being, “gaslighted”, a term used to describe how a narcissist denies your reality, I lost a big chunk of who I was. A lot of my hopes and dreams were filtered through his eyes and in the end, as I think about it, they weren’t really my dreams but a supplement for his.

The most painful, painful, painful thing about being woke, is realizing I was in love with a shell. For a long time I thought “I’ll show him how to love”,  “I’ll change him”, “I’ll make him better”, realizing now that every moment I showed him unconditional love just fed his ego, nothing was reciprocated, it was just narcissistic supply. There were times were I was completely discarded but when he rebounded with brunt affection, I felt bliss. It was addicting, so when things were bad, I stood around waiting for the brunt affection to return and when it did, I felt so validated. It’s hurtful now to relive moments and remember how he emotionally beat me down and was the only one who lifted me up. It’s hurtful to know I saw him as a soulmate and he saw me as a tool.

Since I started taking anti-depressants, I have a hard time crying. I either feel sad for a second and then start working on something or feel this intense, intense rage and feel incredibly hostile. I’ve provoked fights with random people and ended up catching myself before letting it go farther. I’m not proud of this. “The human in me” wants revenge and inflict the same amount of damage I’ve received; I want payback. No change, just pounding, explosive, chiseled knuckles instead.

In case you were wondering, yes I’m in therapy, gladly so. I’m also meditating which has been super helpful when I’m anxious and hostile. Seeing and feeling my emotions in “waves”, letting them and come and go like bodega cats. I’m feeding my emotions because I still have a lot of remorse and that’s okay. When rats try to make a reappearance in my life, I’ll know I’ll be taken care of.

 

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