When I started a brand new IG account, I promised to post unfiltered, genuine and raw versions of myself because I barely have my shit together and when I need words of encouragement, it’s frustrating to see posts that only reflect best versions of someone/something. Fam, about a year ago I decided to tackle my depression and insecurities so I could seed confidence, nurture it  and watch it grow without ego strokes. I made several life-changing decisions that’s affected my career, relationships, finances, housing and mental health. I was pretty confident that the decisions I made would put me on the right path to finding myself but a lot of things went to shit and there are a lot of days, including this one where I feel defeated and regretful.

The hardest part of my transition is going from feeling anchored in all aspects of my life to feeling vulnerable, uprooted and unstable. Every day feels like riding a bicycle with the screws unhinged, ready to pop. Finding confidence on a wobbly bike has been a bitch fam but the worst thing is watching someone you love     fall out of love with you, because of the career choices you made. When I decided to leave the city and nosedive into the fitness industry, I didn’t expect smooth sailing however, I was surprised when my ex-partner started to look at me as some sort of low life. This led to us splitting up but I was and continue to be extremely heartbroken. You know, you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone and then the next second you’re living out of storage bins because your partner couldn’t stand the thought of you being a personal trainer. That’s another story.

One thing I do want to reflect on, that’s been frustrating for me, being around successful people who have taken zero to little risks in their lives and tell me that “everything is going to be okay” and that “I’ll figure it out”. Hear me out, I know they have the best intentions and obviously during this time, they’re going to say programmed things to make me feel better but it doesn’t make me feel better. Yo, sometimes I feel fucking sad. There are days where my depression comes back for a visit and I feel like I’m spiraling. The last thing I want is someone to tell me not to be sad or it’s going to be okay, so I isolate myself. Cry, grieve and repeat. I like to sit a lot by the pier and air out my brain, then I go back to work.

The best thing about this whole experience is finally seeing myself mold into the person that I’ve always wanted to be which is an independent, strong and confident woman. I know what I want. I know who I am. I know where I want to be. What you see is what you get folks and I’m not changing shit for anyone. My attributes are non negotiable. Being able to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with the person I see in front is the best gift I could have ever received. If that’s what it took to get to this point, then it’s all worth it. Wherever you are in your journey, just know most people, including myself don’t have their shit together. Hopefully if you’re pursuing something you love, I hope this post can show you that road blocks are just part of the process.

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