Envision a world without instant-validation from your peers or like-minded associates. Imagine a single effort (personal, professional, self-less etc…) accomplished without off-hand comments, sincere feedback or praise. How do you measure any layer of fabness, without having your community appraise you? Let me assure you, I don’t know or pretend to know the answer. I’m trying to figure it out. On my own. No manuals or help books. Maybe a little bit of therapy, but for the most part sigo sola, mi gente. Yea I know, it’s probably in a buddhist scripture somewhere but I’m a shamefully lazy, easily distracted and crazy impatient reader,  so I’ll never find it and if I did, I’d probably miss it daydreaming about cinnamon buns or…. the last time I had a cinnamon bun OR where I can find a cinnamon bun right now… Please do not give me a list instructions without an ounce of skepticism.  I have put together an Ikea dresser on a whim, skim/forgot/threw out the instructions, built it backwards and proudly used it in my bedroom because half of the drawers opened and my ego told me to do so. True story.

I’ve spent most of my life making stupid, stupid decisions because of a spontaneous and creative urge to do things on my own. Even if it meant to wallow in my own stupid defeat and use a dresser that held two pairs of jeans before falling apart.

*Sigh* True story.

Point being, I don’t like being told what to do and how to do it, the “right” way. I want to bake a cake without a recipe and see what happens. Why? Some people just want to see the world burn.

Growing up as a far-end millennial, I merged into the selfie generation as it slowly became a socially accepted obsession habit. It wasn’t until one day, while I positioned myself for a selfie in premeditated lighting, I had a sudden outer body experience. It was like I came out of a trance and all of a sudden it felt weird. Like, why am I taking pictures of myself…for others to see… this is weird…Why am I doing this?

OH CAUSE I’M INSECURR’

Yea but still, insecurities aside, I felt like it went deeper than that.  I didn’t always post selfies. Sometimes I posted vacation pics, accomplishments, good deeds, random thoughts but I monitored the likes I got, using the number of likes to determine how “good” something was and then it hit me– I was using social media to feel validated. I posted a selfie to validate if I was pretty. I posted a vacation photo to validate if I was living a good life and depending on the amount of likes I received, I let followers and other users determine that for me. Then soon enough my post would be buried, immediately forgotten as new photos refreshed and took over the feed. Then, I would feel irrelevant, like I still wasn’t good enough and it would trigger another compulsion to post another photo which would restart the vicious cycle.

After careful reflection I felt social media made me narcissistic, insecure and apprehensive about my life and how I lived it. For the record, this is a self- reflection. If you use social media for whatever purpose, do you. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong, I just want confidence I can grow and nurture on my own, without depending on anyone else. So I decided to delete my facebook and instagram account a while back. I ended opening up a new instagram account but one that solely focuses on my blog and the work I’ve done but no more selfies or personal stuff. For so long, I felt doubtful and unsure. I revisited choices, over and over wondering if they were going to lead me down a road made with quick sand. This left me stuck for a long time. I want to live my life without making calculated choices and let intuition guide my journey. I’ll let you know how it goes. Time to build another dresser.