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The most unflattering but most favorite photo of me ever, sneezing while mid-selfie. Also the moment I realized taking selfies was kinda weird. You gotta admit though… it’s an impressive photo. It’s like, the anatomy of a sneeze. I caught the face muscles and everythang.

Envision a world without instant-validation from your peers or like-minded associates. Imagine a single effort (personal, professional, self-less etc…) accomplished without off-hand comments, sincere feedback or praise. How do you measure any layer of fabness, without having your community appraise you? Let me assure you, I don’t know or pretend to know the answer. I’m trying to figure it out. On my own. No manuals or help books. Maybe a little bit of therapy, but for the most part sigo sola, mi gente. Yea I know, it’s probably in a buddhist scripture somewhere but I’m a shamefully lazy, easily distracted and crazy impatient reader,  so I’ll never find it and if I did, I’d probably miss it daydreaming about cinnamon buns or…. the last time I had a cinnamon bun OR where I can find a cinnamon bun right now… Please do not give me a list instructions without an ounce of skepticism.  I have put together an Ikea dresser on a whim, skim/forgot/threw out the instructions, built it backwards and proudly used it in my bedroom because half of the drawers opened and my ego told me to do so. True story.

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I’ve spent most of my life making stupid, stupid decisions because of a spontaneous and creative urge to do things on my own. Even if it meant to wallow in my own stupid defeat and use a dresser that held two pairs of jeans before falling apart.

*Sigh* True story.

Point being, I don’t like being told what to do and how to do it, the “right” way. I want to bake a cake without a recipe and see what happens. Why? Some people just want to see the world burn.

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Growing up as a far-end millennial, I merged into the selfie generation as it slowly became a socially accepted obsession habit. It wasn’t until one day, while I positioned myself for a selfie in premeditated lighting, I had a sudden outer body experience. It was like I came out of a trance and all of a sudden it felt weird. Like, why am I taking pictures of myself…for others to see… this is weird…Why am I doing this?

OH CAUSE I’M INSECURR’

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Yea but still, insecurities aside, I felt like it went deeper than that.  I didn’t always post selfies. Sometimes I posted vacation pics, accomplishments, good deeds, random thoughts but I monitored the likes I got, using the number of likes to determine how “good” something was and then it hit me– I was using social media to feel validated. I posted a selfie to validate if I was pretty. I posted a vacation photo to validate if I was living a good life and depending on the amount of likes I received, I let followers and other users determine that for me. Then soon enough my post would be buried, immediately forgotten as new photos refreshed and took over the feed. Then, I would feel irrelevant, like I still wasn’t good enough and it would trigger another compulsion to post another photo which would restart the vicious cycle.

After careful reflection I felt social media made me narcissistic, insecure and apprehensive about my life and how I lived it. For the record, this is a self- reflection. If you use social media for whatever purpose, do you. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong, I just want confidence I can grow and nurture on my own, without depending on anyone else. So I decided to delete my facebook and instagram account a while back. I ended opening up a new instagram account but one that solely focuses on my blog and the work I’ve done but no more selfies or personal stuff. For so long, I felt doubtful and unsure. I revisited choices, over and over wondering if they were going to lead me down a road made with quick sand. This left me stuck for a long time. I want to live my life without making calculated choices and let intuition guide my journey. I’ll let you know how it goes. Time to build another dresser.

 

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