Take this list and view it however you want.  Subway etiquette, rules, doctrine, commandments (my preference)…Here are 10 thought out and painfully short (I wanted to do 100) things to do but more importantly, NOT do on the subway.  My fellow New York peeps (ugh fine, you too tourists), if we can come together and keep these 10 reaaaaally important things in mind, we can make the subway .001% better. I believe in you. Here we go:

  1. Please use your hands to grab onto the pole. Not your back or butt crack. It’s not fun having to maneuver around someone else’s crevices to hold on for dear life with two fingers. They won’t say anything but your fellow patrons will be thankful, including me.
  2. Let people off the train BEFORE you get on.  People are not curtains, in case you were wondering.
  3. When using the escalator during peak hours, please move to the right if you want to stand or move to the the left if you want to walk up. DO NOT STAND ON THE LEFT SIDE. It’s one of the many unspoken rules in NYC.  We don’t need signs to be courteous. It’s common sense. If you break the rule, you will cause anxiety, anguish and traffic amongst other things. I know I’ve contemplated voodoo on several culprits. If you want to avoid death threats and voodoo, stand on the right. Also, if you’re behind someone who is standing on the left side, take responsibility. Do NOT let them get away with it. Gently ask the person to move so traffic can keep on flowing. If you don’t, voodoo for you too.
  4. Give your seat to a pregnant lady, disabled person or senior. Don’t be an asshole. You know it’s the right thing to do. Shit happens. We all get old. Karma will come for you.
  5. If you haven’t guessed by now, The NYC subway system is the Inferno. Every time a New Yorker enters the train station at 5pm, s/he knowingly accepts three things: 1. Shit is about to go cray, 2. You may not make it out alive and 3. You will see or touch something covered in feces. Once you’re in the station, all you think about is GTFO. With that being said, do not block the exits or launder on top of the stairs. Someone will kick you down, Sparta’ style. You will cry. Everyone will cheer. In the Inferno, everyone is cynical.
  6. For the love of everything that is holy, please keep your dick in your pants. PLEASE. Pretty please with 10 million fists on top. I’m begging you. Speaking specifically for all women, we DO NOT want to see your dick. Not now. Not ever. Not even in the past or after-life. In the complete spectrum of time and space, we, I repeat, DO NOT want to see your dick. It’s not attractive. It’s neither appealing nor arousing. Which leads to number:
  7. Do not touch my iddy biddys. Do not touch anyone else’s iddy biddys. It’s a train not a compartment shelf.
  8. Please refrain from eating or cooking your entire meal on the train. Not only will your food, be covered in disease but amongst an after- work crowd, the smell will awake the beast in all of us.
  9. Don’t be a jerk. You don’t have to love the person next to you or agree with their views. Treat fellow subway riders with respect. Don’t spark or partake in hate speech and if you see someone being verbally or physically abusive, stand up and say something. Silence and inaction is as dangerous as the assault itself.
  10. Nobody wants to be a bad DJ.  Nobody wants to be prisoner to a bad DJ. Do NOT blast your music on the train. Nobody likes your music and if they did, you officially ruined it forever with your shitty speaker. Wear headphones and if you don’t have any, there’s a whole life waiting for you inside your brain. It’s called your imagination. Sometimes I use my imagination to imagine people getting their phones stomped and thrown into a pit of fire by straphangers on the train. After confrontation, they form an alliance and avenge victims of obnoxious, no-reason music blasting. They call themselves the NYC Tribe and they don’t PLAY. Knee slappa’ (pun-intended).

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