I don’t plan on having any kids anytime soon but I do admit that sometimes when I babysit or look after someone, I get excited. I call it “Mommy training”. Acknowledging that I am an adult, in her late- twenties, living in her prime and incredibly selfish, I feel like I need to mentally prepare myself for the day I give my mind away. This weekend I’m looking after my friend’s daughter Sofia. She’s ten years old, adorable and super smart. Best of all, because her mother only cooks organic and/or minimally processed meals, she looks like a normal ten year old and not a ten year old stuck in an eighteen year old body. Jesus, have you seen these tweens lately?! That’s why the more I hang with Sofia, the more I realize she is exactly how I want my future daughter to be like. I honestly could just kidnap her, preserve my vagina, skip through the terrible twos, threes, fours, fives, sixes etc… and raise her in this critical moment of womanhood. Though I will admit, raising a teenage daughter, in this day of age, is fucking terrifying. Not sure how I will deal with hormones invisibility exploding around my body. I think that’s why when teenagers go through puberty, mothers go through menopause. It’s like they suck all the hormones out of the room until you see it popping in their acne, voices and their swelling, gender defying regions.

Dear God, if you exist, please help me raise my children to have morals and manners so they become productive members of our society. In other words, please send me nerds. If you can’t, it’s okay I’ll train them. I still have my Super Nintendo , N64, GameCube, some Batman comics, Nova specials and a recording of Discovery Channel’s “How The Universe Works”. I got this.

My mother recently mentioned how extremely proud she is of my sister and I and how we turned out to be. I wished I would of taken her pride more seriously but the reality is, she’s proud my sister and I got through college without getting pregnant. Want to know an effective way of practicing abstinence? Grow up with a mother that constantly reminds you that you are an investment, promises to denounce you if you ever got pregnant, and (my favorite part) randomly hold string “virginity tests” as soon as you start dating.

Yup. I just said virginity test. Not the logical (and convenient) pregnancy test. That would have been just too normal.

So what the fuck is a string virginity test? It’s when a crazy old fashion woman (probably from the Caribbean) takes a string, measures your neck with it, asks you hold the string with your teeth and then tries to see if the loop goes past your head. If it does, it means you are not a virgin. I can not make this up. Google this shit.

A special note to my future boyfriend/husband regarding my complicated sex drive: I am so, so sorry.

Will I do this to my daughter? Abso-fucking-lutley. Again, have you seen these fucking tweens lately? If I’m going to invest all my time into someone that is practically the miniature version of myself, I expect her to succeed in the things that I didn’t. I’m trying to build a legacy here.

A special note to my future daughter: I am not god. If you think free will applies to you, it doesn’t. Now go reset your Super Nintendo and start Super Mario World all over again. This time you will beat the game with all 96 exits, without a single tear in your eye.

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